I had to go on a long walk today to release some anger and frustration. Primarily at my family for judging me once again, and also at myself for letting it get to me. Even though it was pushing 90 degrees out, I was driven by my rage. Once I started walking, I was propelled by it’s force quite effortlessly. That and the music on my Ipod. I’m impressed that I was comfortable in such hot, humid weather, and I enjoyed the sun on my face and legs. With this illness, I’ve had a tendency to not be able to tolerate extremes in temps, especially hot weather. But I was loving it, just as I always did before I got AF. There was a slight breeze so any sweat I worked up was wicked away. Now I am back from my walk, and I am relaxed. I feel rebalanced and centered. I have let go of things.
In case anyone is curious what the latest judgement is about, I can share some details. A member of the family said that my sister Thalia will never recover from her illness (adrenal fatigue, chronic fatigue), will never get a job again, and will be homeless and alone until she “gets right with God.” This is the cruelest thing I’ve heard in a while. First of all, she doesn’t have a job or home anymore because she’s too sick to work. Second, the illness is primarily genetic, secondarily exacerbated by abuse at the hands of my father and her ex husband. Third, God is not an angry, cruel God who punishes people.
The only one who has the power to punish you is your own self. And only because you mistakenly think you are awful and deserve harm. Which you don’t. People themselves create our own personal hell here on earth with the power of their minds, but God does not do that for us. God is love, just as we are.
My family will not reach out a hand to support Thalia. They won’t take her in, and speak badly of her behind her back. This is their religion. They feel they will be judged by God if they intervene in his obvious punishment towards her.
The only way they will wish Thalia well again would be if she comes back to the fold. Meaning, she would have to start going to church, repent of her sinful nature, get forgiven, and start the perpetual process of sinning, begging for forgiveness, sinning and begging for forgiveness day in and day out, second in and second out. She would also need to shut down her mind and blindly accept the edicts of whatever male was appointed over her, which would be my father again unless she married.
Thalia doesn’t see herself regressing back to that point anytime soon. Nor do I. I guess the reason I’m so bothered by what they’re saying about her is because I am in the same boat as her. Sick with this illness, without a job, and for some time without a home until I married Karl. I too don’t go to an approved church, or any church and I regularly challenge their beliefs. So they’re saying the same about me as they do of Thalia. I just don’t get the pleasure of hearing it to my face because they don’t have the guts to do so.
I am feeling angry again, and might need to go for another walk to cool down. I need to shake this off of me. My family is like a huge splinter festering under my skin, and I need to get it out. I need to bathe myself in self love. I need to get under a healing lamp or shower and wash away everything except the beautiful light of who I really am. I need to remember that they are me, I am them, and we are all love. I am able to bounce back and love them again each time, after each phone call or visit when their toxins spill out. But it isn’t healthy for me to put myself in their line of fire so often. I would be better off far from home, in another city or state, like I used to be.
Karl and I can move. More and more, I’m thinking this could be a good idea.